Reflections of a Rose

2009-10-25T23:27:00.002-04:00

"If you were the person God designed you to be.....you would be walking around naked and not know it."-Donald Miller during his "A Million Miles in a Thousand Years" book tour

NEW QUOTE

2009-09-18T23:46:00.002-04:00

A woman who writes her own stories has no fear of demons.--Laurel Thatcher Ulrich in Well-behaved Women Seldom Make History.

WHERE IS MY NAN NESS?

2009-08-08T02:56:00.002-04:00

My maternal grandmother has Alzheimer's disease. Her physical residence is Manor-Care in D-town. However, I still wonder where she is. What happened to the oh-so-clever woman who so tenderly cared for me as I grew into a woman? Where is the lady who made fishing rods out of bamboo and took us to use them at rivers, ponds, lakes and creeks? What has become of the mind that so patiently taught us all sorts of card and board games? She did crossword puzzles, loved to watch all sports and game shows, whistled like a bird to the songs on the radio. She encouraged our education and imaginations. She helped us to grow gardens. She taught us to cook and can and freeze fresh vegetables. We spent weeks on the porch cutting, preparing, packing and "putting up" food for the next year. We even made ketchup! Where is the lady who taught us that not all snakes or bugs are "bad?" How do I learn lessons at her knee? She does not know my name sometimes now. She cries to be taken home, but can't tell us where home is. She asks for her husband, who she divorced when my mom was but a girl. She cries when we tell her of a death, then asks how that person is doing when we visit her next. Where is my Nan Ness? How do I tell her what she means to me? Her living death is a worry to me. I wonder when it will happen to me, as it happened to her at a young age, and her mother before her. Oh, where is my Nan Ness? I am glad she still exists as before in my memories.

LETTER TO CREATIVE ME!

2009-08-08T02:51:00.002-04:00

Hello Creative Me! I have neglected you lately. How rusty and dusty you look! Let's have a walk, outside, in the rain. Let's walk in the woods, fields, lake, river, ocean. Ah, the ocean! Look at the water. Close my eyes and breathe deeply. Smell the salty air. Walk in the sand. Grit between toes, sun on skin. Water everywhere. Maybe next month, I'll experience these things for you, just to refresh your senses.

QUOTABLES:

2009-08-08T02:39:00.002-04:00

-If you obey all the rules, you miss all the fun. -Katherine Hepburn -I'd rather have roses on my table than diamonds on my neck. -Emma Goldman -Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your heart or burn down your house, you can never tell. -Joan Crawford -The hardest years in life are those between 10 and 70. -Helen Hayes -It's sad to grow old, but nice to ripen. -Brigitte Bardot -Please don't retouch my wrinkles. It took me so long to earn them. -Anna Mangini -We grow neither better nor worse as we get old, but more like ourselves. -Mary Lamberton Becker -One is not born a woman, one becomes one. -Simone de Beauvoir -Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls. -Mother Teresa -Love yourself first and everything else falls into line. You really have to love yourself in order to get anything done in this world. -Lucille Ball -Stone walls do not a prison make, nor iron bars a cage. from Villette by Charlotte Bronte

A Letter To My Udda Mudda

2009-08-08T02:32:00.002-04:00

Thank you for allowing God to move you into my life. Thank you for following His lead. Thank you for opening your heart and life to me like I came from you. Thank you for loving my Dad. Thank you for being saved through Christ. Thank you for helping me out when I come up short on money. Thank you for giving me the little sister who loves me back. Thank you for pizza night. Thank you for teaching me how to give with an open heart. Thank you for bringing me back to church. Thank you for forgiving me when I hurt your feelings. Thank you for sharing your experiences. Thank you for pumpkin pie. Thank you for "kid's Christmas." Thank you for introducing me to the Sunday Breakfast Group. Thank you... Thank you... Thank you... Love, Rosa

RELAXATION 101

2009-08-07T13:17:00.002-04:00

Bubbles, bubbles in a bath. Aroma therapy candles in a dark bathroom. A book in hand, unread, as stress is eased away in the hot water. Eyes are closed, mind is open. Imagined dialog from a long day. Relief in the sounds of near silence or water dripping back into the tub. Silky decadence in scented soap scrubbing away the filth of the world; feels like baptism taken to a higher level. Separated even from the rest of my apartment. The door is closed. No external sounds. No lights, harsh, electric. Only soft candles soothing to sun scorched eyes. NO phone. Only water sounds. Ripples as I stretch to relax or wash. Calm, slow. Long enough to feel blood pressure drop as the water cools. Bubbles are luxurious texture added to smooth water. They're disappearing, evaporating with the worries of the day. Wake up! Sit straight up, look around. Try to grasp the difference between where I was and where I am. Shiver as my body (wet) is exposed to the air. Need to get out of the tub. Give hands and feet special pampering. How can water make us look wrinkled and dehydrated? Lotion rubbed on all of the body, kneading the muscles in a deeper level. Then powder to all creases to remove excess moisture and remind me of childhood baths just before bedtime.

COLLECTING

2009-08-07T13:05:00.002-04:00

Collections have a significance in our lives in defining many things about ourselves. I've collected penguins since about 12 years old. I have movies, books, stationary, pens, erasers, nick-knacks, even a mini vacuum cleaner. My family is constantly trying to find unique penguin items. For a long time all my Christmas and birthday items were themed around this collection. I had to ask my family not to buy every penguin they saw because most of them are boxed up except in winter. Now I've started frogs in the yard. Wind chimes are another of my favorites. As you can see, I like to decorate in themes. Deviation from the theme is a big no-no. My family is becoming better able to refrain from abundance and see my creativity. Now there is a greater variety at gift times. But, those penguins still sneak their way in at times. Native American spirituality speaks of animal and spirit guides. I guess mine would be penguins and frogs. I'll have to research them.

DEFINITIONS:

2009-08-07T13:03:00.002-04:00

-Denotation- the exact meaning of a word. -Connotation- the emotional overtones of a word.

PROFOUND THOUGHT!?!

2009-05-27T01:49:00.001-04:00

I am still looking for my Prince Charming, but some days I think I would settle for a kiss from a Frog!

PROFOUND THOUGHT!?

2009-05-27T01:48:00.001-04:00

SOMETHING FROM EACH YEAR OF SCHOOL!

2009-05-27T01:22:00.002-04:00

KINDERGARTEN- my teacher's name was Mrs. Applanap.
FIRST- I was mad because Sam got to go to afternoon kindergarten, so he got to watch all the cool television shows I was missing.
SECOND- I told my teacher that my Dad was a werewolf, because I had overheard a conversation in which Mom said something to that effect.
THIRD- had my first male teacher, he called all of us girls "Lady Bugs."
FOURTH- I thought my Mom was going to die because the baby she was carrying was "killing her."
FIFTH- I met my friend, Cindy Grove. (Don't know where she is now!)
SIXTH- Terry Miller pretended to kiss me in the back of the room by the coat rack, so everyone thought he was my boyfriend. (?)
SEVENTH- I thought FFA would be a fun club to join. I became friends with Julie Lehman, who had cows of her very own!
EIGHTH- I ran for president of my class, but I lost.
NINTH- I moved to Felton with Mom and met Laura Goughnour at school (was in her wedding later.)
TENTH- second year of being a manager for the track and field team.
ELEVENTH- I wrote some poems about how I thought people felt when they wanted to commit suicide. When I showed them to Mr. Tracey, he made me get counseling.
TWELTH- on the first day of school I cried, because so many of my friends had graduated the year before. At graduation, I cried, because I would never be a student at Red Lion ever again, and had to grow up.
COLLEGE FRESHMAN- I was the one girl who lost instead of gaining weight when I went away to college.
COLLEGE SOPHOMORE- Even though I was very active in Campus Ministry and pledged Kappa Phi (Christian sorority) I felt very alone and far away from God.

I'm glad I'm a life long student of everything. This way I can keep in touch with my early education, yet continue to grow in new directions. I'm, also, not very encouraged when I read what I learned in fifteen years of schooling.

ODE TO FORTY YEARS

2009-05-27T01:20:00.002-04:00

Forty years have come and gone. Forty years I've been Rosa Lee Culp. Forty years... Can't wait until I hit fifty. Maybe then I'll have something to write about.

PRINCE CHARMING

2009-05-27T00:49:00.002-04:00

Have you seen Prince Charming? No, not that guy! The one my Mother and friends keep saying was made for me. You've heard this before. Why am I still single? What's wrong with me? Is my hair the wrong color, length, texture, style? Am I too fat? Are my ankles too thick? Am I too smart, or too dumb? Am I too particular? Did God really make "a man" just for me? Did I already say no to Mr. Right? Did Mr. Right know that he was supposed to say "Will you?" Was my Mr. Right killed in a car accident, plane crash, sporting accident? Did I miss Mr. Right because I was too busy with Mr. Rightnow? Did I mistake Mr. Right for Mr. Rightnow and walk away from him? Enough of that, let's try some new tactic. Okay, Mr. Right does in fact exist (remember, it's my story, I'll tell it how I want.) Will I over look him because he's too fat, too short, disabled, has the "wrong" color eyes, or hair, or skin? Will I mistake him for the guy with curly hair, straight hair, gray hair, no hair? Will I miss meeting him because I'm too busy to go to that party? Will I be to involved in my book, or magazine to look up and see him walk by, or sit and watch me while I'm in the bookstore? Does he live in Pa.? Should I move to Maine? Does he hate the ocean? Hate cats? Do I need to lose weight so he can see me? Is he the guy my friends want to introduce me to? Is he the guy my friends can't stand to be around? Did I go to school, college, church or work with him? Is he already a part of my life? Is he the drunk sitting at the other end of the bar staring at me, passing out, drinking a beer, a whiskey, a glass of wine? Is he the cop who once pulled me over for speeding? What does he like? Where does he live? What are his hobbies? Where does he work? Does he like to watch television? Does he like to read books? Can he read books? Does he know I'm looking for him? Is he looking for me? Have we both just given up on each other? Will it help to pray for him? Does he pray for me? Once again I ask, "Are you sure God made him?" Is it possible that I was made to be alone? If so, why do I feel the need to mother and nurture? Why do I want to be married? Why do I feel like I've missed out on being a Mom? Does he drive a car or a pickup? Does he even drive at all? My head is starting to hurt. There are way to many variables. Way to many choices. Way to many varieties, vagaries, decisions. Maybe I'll just keep trusting in God, and live life as it comes to me. I'm looking for Prince Charming, but let me tell you, some days I think I would settle for a frog!

Mom is Mom

2009-05-27T00:43:00.002-04:00

Happy Mother's Day to all! Mom is Mom, Mom is great. Mom is Mom, Mom is good. Mom is Mom, Mom is forgiving. Mom is Mom, Mom is life. Mom is Mom, Mom is light. Mom is Mom, Mom is care. Mom is Mom, Mom is Help! Mom is Mom, Mom is yours. Mom is Mom, Mom is mine. Mom is Mom, Mom is love. Mom is Mom, Mom is a gift from our God above!

ORANGES: MY FAV. FRUIT

2009-05-27T00:20:00.002-04:00

Oranges are sweet and tart at the same time. They are juicy yet filling. They are full of vitamin C with lots of fiber. The orange peel has a lovely rippled texture that is soft to the touch. The color is vibrant without hurting the eye. In a basket arrangement the orange stands out yet blends beautifully with the other fruit colors. The circular shape of oranges is appealing, too. All children love to play with balls. I remember my Nan Culp and Nan Ness always put oranges in our Christmas stockings. When I was in Junior High School, I won first place for orange sales in our FFA club. The orange reminds me of summer because it looks like the sun. Isn't it funny that a fruit I received as a Christmas present all throughout my childhood would remind me of winter's opposite season? I don't think I've ever met someone who didn't like the flavor of oranges. I know many people who's digestive systems can't handle the acid in oranges. Yet, these same people will often endure the consequences to enjoy the flavor. God did a good thing in the orange. Its seeds are large enough to be easily removed from the fruit, but they aren't so large that they take a lot of space within the fruit. I think the orange must be near about perfect.

Childless

2009-04-18T17:49:00.002-04:00

I am barren, hollow, bereft, empty. Never given the gift of conception, internal growth, birth. The next generation is not mine to mold, shape, nurture. No husband, no child, all alone in this place. I must be patient. There is a better place coming to me. My faith must provide the sustenance of my living. I am not chosen. Through all of this, I am not gift less. I must hold to the creativity He has given to me. I must write, paint, feed the birds, crochet, sew, cook, and love the prodigy of other women's bodies. Because my gifts can not be held inside. I can not withdraw inside of myself. I must love and use the gifts He has given, and not mourn the ones withheld. Give me, please Father, the strength to hold up my head, and continue joyfully through life. Lift me up in Your arms, shelter me. Be the family which is withheld. Give me friends with children for me to love. Thank you for all. Amen

Can YOu Hear Him Now?

2009-04-18T17:05:00.002-04:00

My God is calling to me right now. I answer Him by exposing myself in letters formed to words in a written format, so others may share in the gift He has given to me. He does not need a land line or a cell phone, the internet is installed in my heart of hearts. When He calls, there is a peace and a stillness that enters my soul. The birds stop singing, or seem to. My cats go lie down. The telephone doesn't ring. The television loosens it's hold on me. There is nothing on the radio. "Hello? God? Yes, it's me, Rosa. Yes, I hear you now." He tells me secrets. He whispers truth. He shares comfort. He centers my soul. He realigns my vision. He has mastered communications 101, as He is the master of everything else. He brings new perspective to the trials of life. He brings new perspective to the joys of life. He brings the things I need to survive. He very often provides the things I want. He has gifted me with many talents. I am a vessel for Him to fill, and I very often overflow with recognition of His provision for me. When my vessel(self) feels empty, I cry out to Him for fulfillment. Right now my vessel is full. When I write, my vessel is sharing it's blessing with the people God calls to Himself. "God is good." How paltry is that word in reference to Him? Yet, it seems to me to say it all, simply and concisely. Thank you, God, Father, Savior, Deliverer, Provider, "Verizon support team" of the universe.

Promotion for Rosa

2009-04-15T07:02:00.002-04:00

Hey Everyone, Just wanted to share some exciting news. I have received a promotion at work! I will be moving to the North Hills Rd Rutter's on April 27th as the Second Shift Lead Person. This is the next step I need to make on my way to becoming a manager with the Rutter's Company. I am in the process of pursuing a Roving Deli Manager position. Please, pray for my continuing success and a quick promotion to follow on the heals of this one.Thank you to everyone who has pushed, prodded, poked, and in general supported me and helped me to become the person I am today. God bless, Rosa

Introspection on time

2009-03-10T22:00:00.002-04:00

"Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." -H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I think we set ourselves up for failure when we compare ourselves to others. If God had wanted me to be a Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michaelangelo, or Mother Teresa He would not have made me a Rosa Culp. I am the unique individual He created. He formed me, blessed me, made me and when finished said, "She is good." This is not an excuse for things I do wrong or mistakes I make. It is not a conceited effort to put myself forward as an example to others. However, I have been convinced that I am who, how and as He intended. Any other belief leads down a road of depression, self loathing and regrets. I make myself say "I am not perfect. But, I am perfectly designed." As you see, the flaw is not in the actual object (self), it's in the understanding of the machinations that are me. If we stop to refocus, or look at ourselves from another place or viewpoint we can often see a beauty that will stun us. We must look at ourselves through our Father's eyes.

Top 3 Time Bandits

2009-03-10T21:48:00.002-04:00

1.) Myself

2.) Books

3.) Birds and Nature

I am very disorganized. Things are never put in their proper places, so I spend much time searching for what I want or need instead of doing what needs done. It often takes so much time to find the things I need that there is no time left for the doing. Any time there is an object with words on it, I have to stop and read it. Who knows, it may be some important instructions or a warning. It may be an inspiration for some new creative outlet or new creative direction. In warm seasons I step out on my patio and sit at the table to write. I see something from the corner of my eye and proceed to spend the next hour watching some robin or woodpecker or something I haven't yet identified. Maybe God put my time bandits here to help me slow down and see what He has given to me. Maybe my time bandits are the real reason God sent me to the places where my bandits reside. Maybe my time bandits aren't bandits. Maybe they are the true purpose. Nah, I think those are just excuses for my goofing off!

A Bat Circling the Sky

2009-03-10T21:43:00.002-04:00

Out of the box I fly

To circle in the sky

I can see so much

Of spiders, bugs and such

Mine is a merry life

Carefree, empty of strife

I'm natures Orkin man

Eating as many bugs as I can

I, also, eat small frogs

Scoop them up off logs

I am free to fly away

Yet, I will sleep all day.

2009-02-23T10:34:00.001-05:00

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God and My Spirit Guides: a Thought

2009-02-15T13:15:00.001-05:00

Native American peoples had an intensely personal relationship with their surroundings. Animals were not just hunted for sport or food. The hides were made into clothing. Bones were used as tools and decorations. But, it’s even more complex than this. Animals were family. They shared secrets with the People and guided them, too. They could be omens of the future. They showed how to prepare for upcoming weather or seasons. Many times an animal would become a spirit guide, or totem, teaching through dreams or during meditation. These guides often talked to the People, but sometimes they simply lead them through a series of pictures or visions. Different animals meant different things to each person. Sometimes they would lend their strength. They could, also, help identify weaknesses or places where skill building was necessary. The shaman would often assist the People to recognize their individual guides and what they should know about them. The time, place, direction, color or health of a guide could tell many stories about the person sensing them. I say sensing because sight was not the only clue. Sometimes a person would hear, smell or “feel” a guide that was never seen. Not all guides were always helpful. Some were sent to confuse or test the People. Coyote was a known trickster, but she was cunning, too. Much could be learned from Coyote. Spirit guides could change throughout lifetimes. There could be one or many to help the person through each stage, season or section of life. Some never understood who or what their guide was. Others were on intimate terms with them. I think that a healthy life would include many guides, some of which were for life and others would be seasonal. It’s interesting to observe an animal you have an affinity for or like to watch or admire. I like to close my eyes and pray. While I pray, different visions flow through my thoughts. Many times I’ve gained valuable insights by paying attention to those visions. I know when Wolf shows her face I’m about to learn something new or teach something to someone else. When I feel anxious, Whale often comes and takes me through the oceans to relax and calm down. It’s odd that I feel this way about Whale, because when I’m awake, drowning is one of my biggest fears. But when she takes me there is no fear or danger. I think it’s her song and her size that comfort me. Many of my guides are like Whale in that they are animals that would frighten me or make me feel nervous in face-to-face encounters. But, as my guides they feel comfortable. I think they are beautiful to look at. I like to read about them and study them. However, I would never approach them in the wild like I do in my visions. We often dismiss the wonders of the world out of fear. I think some people would think I’m crazy or that I’m not a “real” Christian if they knew how I feel. Spirituality is so very personal. I believe that it is God speaking to me through these guides. I think He uses animals with me because I trust animals more than people. People have their own agendas. Animals, for the most part, are instinctual and more attuned to what is happening around them. People are self-centered. We believe the world revolves around us. Animals are more involved as an actual part of nature. We change the things around us to fit our needs. Animals adapt to what is happening to them. People will smile at someone they don’t like or don’t want to have around. Animals always let you know when you are welcome or unwanted. I would like, someday, to go on a vision quest, just me, God, my spirit guide and my journal. This is the ultimate vacation dream. In my mind I picture myself sitting in a private place with some water source nearby. Water is very soothing to me. I would close my eyes, clear my mind, listen to the water sounds and allow God to lead me. I wonder which animal He would send to guide me to Him or His lesson? This, I think, would be the coolest thing ever! How awesome is a God who doesn’t strike me down for liking nature more than sermons for revealing Himself to me? What a treasure is this earth He has placed us on, created for us? We need to love her back. We need to slow down so we can watch her and learn from her. Many lessons can be learned by observing nature as a gift from God, rather than a force to be overcome. We have separated ourselves in artificial packages. We are constantly striving to manipulate and shape our surroundings. We call it civilization or progress. It feels cold, sterile and foreign to me. Come to me Wolf and Whale. Take me to God. Show me how to listen to Him. Teach me to trust and obey His plan for me.

Ode on Blue Eyes

2009-02-14T08:33:00.010-05:00

Twin pools of light.

Orbs used for sight.
Mesmerized, I look.
Let me read that book.
Tell me, can you see?
Do you know it's me?
What happens in there,
Under your blond hair?
Do you know I long
To share with you a song?
I want to hear you talk.
With you, I want to walk.
But, when I look at you,
All I see is blue.
Twin pools of light.

Orbs you use for sight.

Inventions I wish had not been invented

2009-02-14T08:20:00.002-05:00

This is very difficult to narrow down. So much of technology is extremely beneficial, if put to proper use, yet can be detrimental in the wrong hands. Even things which seem all good can be turned to bad in the mind that leans in that direction. One glaring example is the H-bomb. It is the epitome of evil. However, the technology to create the bomb is also the ability to create massive amounts of energy relatively cheaply. Dynamite is another example. It can be used as a quicker, more effective mining devise than picks, axes and shovels. But, in the hands of people with destructive minds it is a tool for great harm. I would much rather allow for all creativity to be permitted to flourish. God gives us free-will and I believe we should, in turn, allow our fellow man to have the same freedom. This means we will be infringed upon, yet we will be allowed to infringe upon others. Stifling each other is not an effective tool, rather compromise is called for. Compromise and being an example of responsible creators and thinkers.

Superbowl Dreamin' (1/05/09)

2009-02-14T08:09:00.002-05:00

It's time to break out the black and gold. The Steelers are on the road to the superbowl again. We're striving for the Big Game. Let's rest for just one week. Then we'll show them the steel curtain. Come on Big Ben! You're the leader of our pack. You're young, brave, strong and sure. Confident, cocky, proven in battle. We're right behind you. Our hearts hang on your right arm. Let's start to decorate the other hand with rings. Let's show the world that Pittsburgh means Football!

Sacrifice to become............

2009-02-14T07:46:00.002-05:00

"The important thing is this: To be able at any moment to sacrifice what we are for what we could become."-Charles Du Bos

For people, like actors and musicians, becoming someone else is a habit which is comfortable. I, on the other hand, struggle with change. I like my keys to be hanging on the wall behind the door. I like my pocketbook to sit in the same place. I like my favorite tv show to be always in the same time slot. However, I am always open to learning new skills. Self taught or learned skills give a boost to my often low self-esteem. The first time I maneuvered a tractor trailer through the streets of Hershey, Pa was so incredible. After doing it for a while it became mundane. For a long time I thought all learning must translate into an increase in pay. Over the last 8 years or so I've reevaluated that thought. Now learning for the sake of knowing is enough. I've taught myself to crochet, paint, sew and identify the birds in my yard. By doing these creative activities I've released a lot of stress and become a better person. I'm not quite so driven in a single fashion. Art in its many forms flows and ebbs like a tide or swollen river breaching its banks. Change has become a welcome acquaintance, if not a bosom friend. Opening up to new experiences allows for acceptance of opposing views. Change happens to move you to a new perspective, like looking at a tree through a window versus going outside to touch and smell the tree in addition to looking at it. Immersion in my surroundings rather than observation of them is educational in itself. But, I had to change my position to allow for my perspective to change. By allowing the tide to flow, rather than building a dam to direct it, took less work and resulted in new found hope and faith in the world around me.

Parenting

2008-12-27T06:56:00.003-05:00

Nevermind

Presidential Election

2008-11-06T02:26:00.002-05:00

First of all, I would like to say thank you God for placing me in a nation where I have the right, privilege and the responsibility to choose my own leaders in government.

Next, I would like to thank and commend all of those who went out and voted in this election.

Lastly, I would like to thank President-elect Obama for answering God's call to him to be a leader in a most unsettled time in our history as a nation. We are struggling in our economy, we are at war throughout the world and many believe the outlook to be dim. I think we have been given the tools to correct our downward spiral. We need now to pull those tools out of the work bench, dust them off and get to work rebuilding what we have so devastated in our clumsiness.

Now, I would like to ask God to lay His hands on all of us. I would petition Him to guide us, to hold us up, to assist us and to shower us with His love and blessings. Remember, WE the people, all of us have a new president. Not just the people who like Obama, not just the people who supported his campaign and not just those who voted for him. President-elect Obama is the leader of our whole nation. Let us support him and allow him to do the job we have hired him to do. When he does things we don't like, let's rebuke him with our voices not violence. Let's give him a warm welcome and assist him in being a success. Because when our president is successful, we as a nation become stronger.

Thank you for your support.

"Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart."-Wm. Wordsworth

2008-09-21T20:57:00.002-04:00

My heart breathes are full of men. Sam and Darin are my beloved brothers. Sam and I are very close because there is only one year between us in age. We've been through a lot together. We were very young when our parents divorced. This made us pull together emotionally. As a result we can weather any storm, so long as we do it together. Darin is a different story. There are ten years between us. I was forced to grow up very quickly so I could help care for him. Mom worked at night and weekends. I loved him dearly, but resented him, too. I had to baby sit instead of dating, going to sporting events, even homecoming and prom were forfeit to him. I wasn't always nice to him. Now he's more like a son, in my mind, than a brother. I have three nephews, too.(no nieces) Kyle and Zane are Sam's. Zachery belongs to Darin. They are so special and wonderful. I love watching the older two play baseball. Many evenings and weekends are spent with them. I think I would sacrifice anything for them. They are the loves of my life and bright spots, too. What they want I try to give them. Dates have been cancelled for them. All my friends say I spoil them. My retort is "they are not spoiled, they are well loved." They give me kisses and hugs every time I see them. We shop, play and just hang out together. The most incredible thing about them is when they say " I love you." Every time they do that my heart shatters into a million points of light.

BIRTHDAY MEMORY

2008-09-21T20:31:00.002-04:00

I love birthdays. They are monumental for me. Each year is a testament to the fact that I'm still here and have that much more knowledge.

Some of my birthdays have been fraught with worry. Like when I turned 25, 30 and 35. I don't know why, but it seemed like life was falling short of my dreams. Each one came and went with no husband and no children. Now I revel in that freedom. My love can be poured out on my nephews instead of progeny of my own.

One birthday that really stands out in my mind is my thirteenth. We were going to a cabin in the mountains with some family friends. We spent several days cooking and baking good things to eat. My mom had me bake a chocolate cake from scratch, and showed me how to make homemade chocolate icing for on it. Everyone else liked peanut butter icing, but chocolate is my favorite. We made macaroni salad, potato salad, cut up cheese and bologna cubes, cucumber slaw, cole slaw and pea salad. Then we baked a meatloaf and sliced it up for sandwiches on homemade bread. This was going to be a great weekend!

There was one huge problem though. No one said a single word about my birthday being on Saturday. I helped get our clothes together, along with towels and blankets. My youngest brother was only three, so we had to pack lots of extra stuff for him. When we loaded the truck I saw each bag, box and cooler. There were no presents for me. I didn't ask any questions. I just felt real sad and empty inside. No one had asked what I wanted either. We weren't allowed to ask for things.

When we left home on Friday, I just decided to think of the trip as my present. Then I got angry because everyone else was sharing my gift. It was beautiful at the cabin. There was a creek nearby that we played in. My birthday is May14th, so lots of new plant life was just peeping out for the new season.

After dinner on Saturday night Mom told me to get that cake I had made. I was so surprised when I took the foil off that pan. She had decorated it with colored icing Friday night after we kids went to sleep. It was very pretty with flowers and my name on it. There were gifts for me, too! I don't remember what they were any more, but I know they were things that I had seen in a little gift shop we had stopped at on the way up there. I knew better than to ask for anything, but that didn't stop me from looking at the cool stuff. I got a warm feeling when everyone told me how good my cake tasted. It was like I was giving a gift to them on my birthday.

That was a wonderful day. I won't ever forget it even though the gifts escape me yet. Surprise birthdays are the best!

WHY DO YOU WRITE?

2008-09-21T20:13:00.002-04:00

The most important reason I write is to release some pent up beast who resides within me, and demands release through the written word.

I write to communicate feelings, thoughts and ideas. Writing often helps me relax. It gives me much of the same feeling as reading does. Much of what I write has meaning only for me. It is very personal. I can put early memories on paper to solidify and inspect them. Sometimes I start writing about one thing and it reminds me of others.

Sometimes writing is a catalyst for healing old emotional scars. Sometimes I tell stories about things I've done or places I've been so I can share this stuff with my family. My nephews really like this aspect of my writing. They like to hear about when their Dad and I were little. I think they compare what is happening in their lives with our stories. Their faces light up and their eyes get very big. Watching the expressions on their faces is a lot of fun. They, also, like to hear stories about when they were little. You know, stuff they were too young to remember.

I like writing poetry, too. I usually write in free verse, because there are no rules to follow. It is fun to rhyme though too. Usually my rhyming verse is more silly. Occasionally I use poetry to express an emotion or describe a scene. I like to describe family in verse, too.

My nephew, Zane, was published in a book of poetry this year. Now he says I need to get my work published. That, however, is very difficult to do.

But, I guess the biggest reason I write is because I like it. I get a strong feeling of accomplishment when I finish a piece. That is really awesome.

TRUE LOVE BURSTS FORTH

2008-09-05T22:10:00.002-04:00

ZACHERY JAMES

-Little feet pounding out a cadence on the floor.

-Little arms reaching out with fingers tickling the air.

-"Aun Ro" the little voice joyfully resounds.

-Arms are flung wildly, then tightly around my neck.

-Big sloppy kisses planted firmly on my lips.

-Huge smile like a sunrise against a clear blue sky.

-"Hello, little man!" escapes from my lips like an erupting volcano.

-To be greeted in such a way, swells my heart 'til it almost bursts.

-Then for the very first time in his 2 1/2 years, he performs magic.

-"Love you" spews forth across his tiny vocal chords.

-The most incredible pain rips through my chest.

-I've found a little piece of heaven, God dropped him into my encircling arms.

-The reward for changing diapers, babysitting, picking out and making the most perfect clothes.

-This is how I want to greet Him when He calls me home.

A THOUGHT

2008-09-03T16:38:00.001-04:00

Working pays the rent.

Writing satisfies the soul.

GOLDEN SLIPPERS

2008-09-03T16:35:00.002-04:00

Some days I have to wear my golden slppers to remind me that I am His princess.

Other days I have to go without them to remind me that I am nothing without Him.

MY SWORD AND MY SHEILD

2008-09-03T15:48:00.003-04:00

I have two very good, old and dear friends. They are, I think, supposed to reside on a bookshelf. My friends, however, never seem to make it home. They live like gypsies. Their covers and pages are worn and stained from the friction of my caresses. I keep threatening to replace them. Even my cats are jealous of them, as witnessed by the bite marks on them.

I met them in high school. They are fast approaching their thirties now. They have been ever faithful, fruitful and forthcoming with their combined knowledge. They are never petty, jealous or grudging. They wait patiently for me to pick them up and drag them along on all moves and every adventure. They clarify newly gained knowledge. They inspire higher elevations of creativity in my vocabulary and writing. They correct my bias toward incorrect spelling. They expand my communication borders. Like the edges of the universe expanding and mutating in a reflection of my growing soul.

Many people call my friends tools, like they are implements or utensils. To me they are lovely acquaintances, bosom friends, partners, companions and intimates. I come to them with privation or need. They dole out insight resembling alms for my diction.

My compatriots names are Dictionary and Thesaurus. They are and always have been requisite in my life. The striations of diversity within their pages are poetic to my optical and auditory nerves. They bring color and life to what I read, hear and say.

Mr. Webster and Mr. Roget, I thank you and applaud you. You have brought insight and multifariousness to my utterances and my scribble. You have armed and guarded me against ignorance, repetition and error in both oral and printed communication.

To my friends: I pray your binding never fails and your ink never fades. You are essential components of my referential arsenal. Without you my poetry is flat, my speech is stale and my writing would be illegible and dull. The depths of my appreciation, my devotion are fathomless. Your succor is never ending. Your patience in correcting me is merciful and incessant. I could live without you, but I would be mournful, vapid and imprecise for the loss of your companionship.

MY BOYS

2008-09-03T12:25:00.002-04:00

-Look, aren't they pretty? (Yes, I know that they are boys.)

-Listen to their giggles. It's like the tinkling of bells or chimes.

-Watch them. They are growing. They are playing. They are learning.

-Listen, hear their voices? They have life songs to say to us.

-Hold them. When they're sad, they're never to big for a hug.

-Enjoy them. They are gifts from God so we won't grow too old or lonely.

-Love them. They need us and we need them, too!

ODE TO TIKA

2008-09-03T12:20:00.002-04:00

Tika-poo, my little boo, Oh, how much I love you. You are my little one, Orange and white patches,like the sun, mar the blackness of your fur. The loveliness of your purr is a poem to my ear. Yes, I love you, Tika dear.

A LETTER TO MY INNER CRITIC

2008-09-03T11:58:00.002-04:00

9/3/08

Hello Critic,

I've come to set you free. That's right, this is a Dear John letter from my soul.

My beautiful inner-voice has brought it to my attention that you have out grown our relationship. You have been bullying other constituents of my Self. You have insulted, belittled, badgered and otherwise offended my creativity. Your ego has heaved itself upon my conscience until I am crushed beneath its vulgar magnitude.

I am ordering you to cease and desist in these actions against me. You are hereby and forthwith extinguished. Your voice will be subdued. Your size will be diminished to an infinitesimal speck. Your influence will be less than that of a flea on a shark. You are banished from my presence henceforth. All communication will be filed in the burn barrel with yesterday's trash.

Go out and away from my person. Never again will you be permitted to darken my door with your doom and gloom.

Today my inner voice breaks free from your bonds. She will speak her mind. She will dream her sparkling visions. She will glory in her inception. She will revel in her liberty.

Goodbye inner critic. I will spare no tears for your interment. Your death will warrant no sorrow. You will not be mourned or missed. Your disease is inoperable and incurable.

Revelation, creativity and fecundity will replace your suppression and hollow enmity.

No longer yours,

Rosa L Culp

JOURNAL'S NOTE TO ROSA

2008-09-03T00:29:00.001-04:00

Open these pages. Open your heart. Reveal your soul. Heal your life.

WORST MEAL I EVER HAD

2008-09-02T23:45:00.002-04:00

This happened as a result, not of the food being bad but, of the circumstances of the day and time in my life. I had done something bad, wrong, or least wise punishable. Then while being berated by my mother, we all sat down to eat supper. Her boyfriend was a hunter, so we ate whatever meat he provided from the field. This meal was rabbit, mashed potatoes, corn and the ever-present butter bread. Now I had had a pet rabbit that had been killed in the house fire at my Dad's house. So, this was a food I was loathe to eat anyway. On this particular day my appetite wasn't good because of anger toward mom. I ate everything on my plate, as usual, except that rabbit's hind leg. I could not even look directly at it. Mom asked what was wrong. I said I can't eat it. (Now remember she is already very angry with me.) She said you will eat it or you will sit here and look at it all night. Dinner was at 6:00pm in our house. When everyone was finished eating they got up from the table and cleared it off. My brothers washed the dishes. There I sat looking at Snow White's leg on my plate, and tears started to stream down my face. I wanted to be obedient. But, I couldn't eat my pet, my friend, Snow White. Around 9:30 or 10:00 mom's heart had finally softened enough for her to ask "why" I couldn't finish eating. When I explained, through wrenching sobs, what the problem was, she excused me from the table, and the chore at hand. I thought my mom was very mean. The funny thing is she never put rabbit, or squirrel, or any other small game on my plate again. The rule in our family was "waste not, want not." If you put food on your plate you were expected to eat it, all of it. Since she knew it was an exercise in futility, as well as making me physically ill, she didn't try it again. She may have been mean, but she wasn't dumb.

AUTUMN FLORA

2008-09-02T23:25:00.002-04:00

The rain and snow and wind remove debris. The cold slows the sap. Respiration stops as an open hibernation takes place for the whole world to view. Plants are cleaning themselves, showering away the old fashions, preparing to rest naked under a blanket of snow. Waiting for God to stimulate the life blood within, to regenerate as a new year (or season) arrives. Nature is teaching us how to carefully, systematically prepare ourselves to be cared for by the world as it moves around and through us. We can watch just for the sake of the beauty. We can watch and take away a lesson. We can watch it all happen so slowly that time seems to stop. We can visualize ourselves cleaning out our closets. Giving our discarded things to be used by another, the way the forest reuses the leaves. They are a bed for animals. They are a warm blanket for perrenial flowers and plants. They are fertilizer for new seeds. The earth teaching us to recycle and how to do it. Oh, God is good! If you don't learn the lesson the first time, He's patient and will teach it again next year. Like a professor in a college.

Aunt Rose's Little Men

2008-09-02T23:14:00.002-04:00

Kyle, Zane, and Zachery. Just saying their names is poetry. Their voices are music to my ears, most of the time. They are Aunt Rose's Little Men. They carry sunshine and wonder in their pockets and their faces. They walk on air in my memories. Smiles, hugs and kisses are free-flowing gifts of currency. Kyle loves baseball. Zane does too. Zach's game is football. These are my nephews, the lights of my life. The reasons I understand unconditional love.

ODE TO GINGER

2008-09-02T23:05:00.002-04:00

Orange and white, She moves through the night. Sees a bug on the wall. SMACK! Death by paw. Little "Wide One" Same color as the sun. Crouches, twitches, prepares to use paws as snares. She's all that matters, Here in her little world. Listen to the sound of her purr. Touch her soft, warm fur. Likes to play with ball and string. Jumps and peeks through rings. Thinks making the bed is a game. Loves when I call her name. My big girl rules our nest. In her opinion, cats are best. She is my Ginger cat and I love her so much!

I'M NOT A TRUCK DRIVER!

2008-08-29T19:10:00.001-04:00

(This is a letter to my Dad.) Dearest Dad, I know you’re proud. I know it’s comforting to you. I know how you feel about it. But, here’s the thing…I’m not a truck driver. I am a well-educated, well-read, literate WOMAN with an expansive vocabulary and many skills. Some of my skills include food service, equipment operator, educator, big sister, pipe layer, writer, receptionist, office worker, and (yes) driving trucks of many descriptions. This is a sample of what I DO. This is not WHO I am. This is a collection of parts of my complete BEING. So, please, when you introduce me, “this is my very talented daughter, whom I love very much and am very proud of, Rosa,” will be fine. Thank you for loving me just the way I am. Your loving daughter, Rosa

CHANGED BY GOD?

2008-08-29T18:53:00.000-04:00

Life is a river. It flows along a set course. It moves, it bubbles, it follows the path laid forth by the Master. Yet we sit still. We watch and moan. Why don’t we get up and go where we’re needed? Why do we asked to be transformed, yet expect to remain where we started? You can’t win a race, if you never leave the blocks. You can’t be transformed, renewed, made-over if you never step into the stream. Follow your river, break away from the blocks at the sound of the gun. He has faithfully answered. Now go where He leads.

BORKEN PLATE: A POEM

2008-08-29T18:35:00.000-04:00

Slipping, sliding, falling, landing. Contacting, impacting, crashing, breaking. Hurting, twisted, broken, smashed. Sweeping, jumbled, mixed-up, trashed.

LIGHTING THE DARK

2008-08-29T18:34:00.000-04:00

My soul is flailing and wailing in the darkness without the Son. "Come out from behind the cloud," He whispers. But my tears drown Him out. "Where are You?," I cry. "Holding you up," He whispers. "Why can't I see you?," I scream. "Open your eyes," He whispers. In exhaustion, I sink to the ground on my knees. Spent, I look around. He is all around me. His arms are wrapped about my body. "Oh, Father," I whisper. "I've got you," He weeps.

UNANSWERED PRAYER?(#2)

2008-08-29T18:33:00.000-04:00

The Prayer: Father, she’s so sick. Won’t you, please, lay your healing hands on her? Remove her pain? Ease the hurt? Reduce the swelling? Make her whole? Amen Later: Father, I came to you. I knelt, I prayed, I cried, I believed, I was humble. Why did you take her? I’m not ready to let her go. Why did she have to die? I’m so lonely without her. Please, give me a miracle, send her back to me. Amen God’s Answer: Child, she’s no longer sick. I did lay my healing hands on her. I removed her pain. I eased the hurt. I reduced the swelling. I made her whole. I brought her home. She is here, with Me, where she belongs. I will give you others to heal your loneliness. It’s time for you to go on without her. I’ll see you soon, too. I love you.

UNANSWERED PRAYER?(#1)

2008-08-29T18:30:00.000-04:00

Help me Father. I need an answer now. Show me a sign so I know how to move. Make me aware. Lightening, thunder, gale-force winds, a hurricane. Give me something I can hear Lord. What is your answer? Is he the one for me? Should I go out with him? Will he be the man You have chosen for me? Will our union honor You? I sit here patient, waiting to obey. Why won’t You tell me? I’ve asked You over and over for the last half hour. Still, the phone doesn’t ring. He said he would call at 5:30. Now it’s 6:30. Still, the phone doesn’t ring. Should I call him? Will that be to forward? Still, the phone doesn’t ring. It’s 7:30 now. Still, the phone doesn’t ring. Why is it, that we listen for a “still, small voice,” yet look for a loud noise?

PRETTY POND

2008-08-29T18:28:00.000-04:00

Look at the water. It’s so pretty, yet unmoving. Step in and make ripples on the surface. Immerse yourself in its purifying properties. Go ahead, dunk in your head. Now come out. Leave it behind. Don’t look back. You are a new creation. You are cleansed of all sin. Past hurts are washed away. Your heart is healed and renewed. You are a new person. Go forth and spread the Word. Tell about the Puddle. Rejoice in the Son.

BROKEN PLATE: A DIALOG

2008-08-29T18:25:00.001-04:00

“Oh, no! Clumsy human.” “That was a beautiful plate.” “What is to become of me now?” “I guess I’ll throw it away. What a shame and a waste. Now does it go in the recycle can or the trash?” “Maybe she’ll make me into something new.” “Did you say something?” “Yes. Did you know that if you break me up just a little more I could be made over? You know, how God did for you. Remember what a mess you were? You were broken, lost, lonely, crying all the time. Did God throw you away? No, He had craft time. He rearranged the pieces. He redirected your heart. He gave you a new outlook on your inside. Pick up that glue bottle. Rearrange me. Cover a bare wall. Make me into a mosaic. Use me to teach God’s truth to another, the way He used your pieces to renew you. Honor the earth by not filling another landfill.” “Do you really think I can?” “You were taught by the Master.” “I’ll give it a try.” “Now you look just like my heart.” “Thank you!”